The Mis-education of Sexual Addiction

The Mis-Education of Sexual Addiction

There are many misconceptions when it comes to sexual addiction and today on Hear 2 Help You, we will be tackling an addiction that many of us deal with, and don’t know why.

Plus, we have a guest host on the show. MyTCN TV’s newest show host, the beautiful LA Wade joins our lovely Simone for some much needed banter.

Sit back, and enjoy as the ladies engage in probably our most serious topic yet.

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Editor’s note: Due to the seriousness of today’s topic, we have included a very lengthy transcript.

We ask that anyone who is facing anything similar to what is discussed here, please feel free to reach out to us. Hear 2 Help will be more than happy to Help. 

What is Sexual Addiction?

Other words used to describe Sexual Addiction are: sexual compulsivity, hyper sexuality, and problematic sexual behaviour

Sexual addiction is the lack of control of some sexual behaviour or relationship. Perhaps the most helpful definition is a practical one: sexual or relational behaviour that has a negative effect on one’s life.

There is four-component model of what comprises an addiction:

Compulsivity is the loss of control over a behaviour. An addict continues in the behaviour or relationship despite repeated attempts to stop.

Continuation of the addictive behaviour despite the negative consequences.

Preoccupation, or obsession with the act or behaviour.

Tolerance is more of the same behaviour or an escalation of progressive behaviours is required to get the same “high.

“Sexual addiction” actually isn’t about sex at all. It’s an intimacy disorder – using sexual activity or a relationship in a desperate search for connection, affirmation or love. Sex addiction is a coping mechanism – a way to medicate painful feelings, experiences and memories.

“Sex addiction” is an umbrella term for a collection of often overlapping behaviours.

The Stereotypical Sex Addict (Hyper Sexual)

This covers things like using pornography in any of its forms, visiting prostitutes, strip clubs and massage parlors, and compulsive masturbation. Most people think of the “sex addict” as a male.

The Romance Addict (Hyper Sexual)

More often female, is addicted to the intrigue and the pursuit of romance. This kind of addict thrives on the thrill of the chase but finds it impossible to sustain an intimate, committed relationship.

Love or Relationship Addict (Hyper Sexual)

This affects both men and women, and the main dynamic is the belief that a particular relationship or a specific partner will be “the one.”

Relationship addicts repeatedly become involved in intense, enmeshed, co-dependent relationships, even when those partners or relationships are destructive.

These relationships may be emotional affairs as well as physical/sexual ones. One way of thinking about the relationship addict is to view him or her as the ultimate co-dependent.

We are going to go to a quick break, and when we get back, I am going to bring on a beautiful soul who is going to sit in on this topic, and we are going to swap some stories on the mis-education of sexual addiction.

Sexual Anorexia (Hypo Sexual)

The opposite of acting out sexually is to “act in,” which is also known as sexual anorexia. These individuals have an aversion to sex and intimate relationships. They spend lots of energy trying to avoid sex, even within a marriage. If the person is single, she or he may avoid dating, especially if it progresses beyond a casual relationship.

Sexual anorexia may best be compared to food anorexia, which is compulsive starvation.

It’s possible to be both acting out and acting in at the same time. Some people may be anorexic in their sexual relationship with their spouses, yet be acting out with partners outside their marriages.

Characteristics of Co-addicts of Sex Addicts

  1. Covering up for the sex addict and keeping secrets (collusion).
  2. Obsessive preoccupation about the sex addict.
  3. Denial of reality and ignoring the problem.
  4. Emotional turmoil.
  5. Manipulation (including using sex to control).
  6. Excessive responsibility (blaming themselves for the problem).
  7. Compromise or loss of self (e.g., making a constant series of compromises that erode the sense of self). 8. Blame and punishment (i.e., becoming self-righteous and punitive).
  8. Sexual reactivity (e.g., shutting down sexually to numb self-needs).

More research is showing that sexual addiction may have its genesis in child sexual abuse. The research in this section can be found at:

Center for Sex Offender Management

The Role of the Victim and Victim Advocate in Managing Sex Offenders

The Traumatic Impact of Child Sexual Abuse: A Conceptualization, David Finkelhor, Ph.D., and Angela Browne, Ph.D.

Family Violence Research Program, University of New Hampshire, Durham

Four Traumagenic Dynamics

Traumatic Sexualisation

 A process in which a child’s sexuality (including both sexual feelings and sexual attitudes) is shaped in a developmentally inappropriate and interpersonally dysfunctional fashion as a result of sexual abuse.

Traumatic sexualisation can occur when a child is repeatedly regarded by an offender for sexual behaviour that is inappropriate to his or her level of development.

It occurs through the exchange of affection, attention, privileges, and gifts for sexual behaviour, so that a child learns to use sexual behaviour as a strategy for manipulating others to satisfy a variety of developmentally appropriate needs.

It occurs when certain parts of a child’s anatomy are fetishized and given distorted importance and meaning. It occurs through the misconceptions and confusions about sexual behaviour and sexual morality that are transmitted to the child from the offender.

And it occurs when very frightening memories and events become associated in the child’s mind with sexual activity.

Betrayal

This is when the child discovers that someone on whom they were vitally dependent has caused them harm.

The child may come to the realization that a trusted person has manipulated them through lies or misrepresentations about moral standards.

Children can experience betrayal not only at the hands of offenders, but also on the part of family members who were not abusing them.

This could be a family member whom they trusted but who was unable or unwilling to protect or believe them – or who has a changed attitude toward them after disclosure of the abuse – may also contribute to the dynamics of betrayal.

Powerlessness

Researchers have theorized that a basic kind of powerlessness occurs in sexual abuse when a child’s territory and body space are repeatedly invaded against the child’s will.

This is exacerbated by whatever coercion and manipulation the offender may impose as part of the abuse process.

Powerlessness is then reinforced when children see their attempts to halt the abuse frustrated. It is increased when children feel fear, are unable to make adults understand or believe what is happening, or realize how conditions of dependency have trapped them in the situation.

Stigmatization

These are the negative connotations (e.g.,badness, shame, and guilt) that are communicated to the child around the experiences and that then become incorporated into the child’s self-image.

The abuser may blame the victim for the activity, demean the victim, or furtively convey a sense of shame about the behavior.

Pressure for secrecy from the offender can also convey powerful messages of shame and guilt.

Stigmatization is also reinforced by attitudes that the victim infers or hears from other persons in the family or community.

Stigmatization may thus grow out of the child’s prior knowledge or sense that the activity is considered deviant and taboo, and it is certainly reinforced if, after disclosure, people react with shock or hysteria, or blame the child for what has transpired.

Children may be additionally stigmatized by people in their environment who now impute other negative characteristics to the victim (e.g., loose morals or “spoiled goods”) as a result of the molestation.

Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Subsequent Risk of HIV Infection

Reference: Sally Zierler, DrPH, Lisa Feingold, MSPH, Deborah Laufer, MSPH, Priscilla Velentgas, Ira Kantrowitz-Gordon, ScB, and Kenneth Mayer, MD

In their research they found that sexually abused women and men were more likely to engage in sex work, to change sexual partners frequently, and to engage in sexual activities with casual acquaintances than people who were never sexually abused.

The disturbing prevalence of early sexual abuse and its possible consequences on increasing behaviors that could lead to HIV infection and other poor health outcomes

Safer sex messages, for example, maybe missing the point for people whose lives have been complicated by sexual victimization.

The high frequency of occurrence of sexual assault is not only an immediate threat to the health of children, but may continue to disrupt development of appropriate health behaviours that prevent disease in adulthood.

Social scientists have urged for early identification of children and adolescents who may have been sexually assaulted because of evidence that the earlier the child can begin recovery from this trauma, the better the prognosis for normal adult functioning

Immediate and Long-Term Impacts of Child Sexual Abuse

Reference: John N. Briere, Diana M. Elliott

Post – Traumatic Stress Disorder

Certain enduring psychological symptoms that occur in reaction to a highly distressing, psychically disruptive event.

(1) frequent re-experiencing of the event through nightmares or intrusive thoughts

(2) a numbing of general responsiveness to, or avoidance of, current events

(3) persistent symptoms of in- creased arousal, such as jumpiness, sleep disturbance, or poor concentration

Cognitive Distortions

Significant assumptions about themselves, others, the environment, and the future based upon childhood learning.

Emotional Distress

Anxiety, Depression, Anger

Impaired Sense of Self

How a child is treated (or maltreated) early in life influences his or her growing self-awareness. As a result, severe child maltreatment—including early and sustained sexual abuse—may interfere with the child’s development of a sense of self.4

Avoidance

Among the dysfunctional activities associated with avoidance of abuse-specific memories and feeling are dissociation, substance abuse, suicidality, and various tension-reducing activities.

Disassociation

(1) Derealization and depersonalization, that is, the experience of self or the environment as suddenly strange or unreal

(2) Periods of disengagement from the immediate environment during times of stress, for example, via “spacing out” or excessive daydreaming

(3) Alterations in bodily perception;

(4) Emotional numbing

(5) Out-of-body experiences

(6) Amnesia for painful abuse-related memories

(7) Multiple personality disorder (AKA, Dissociative Disorder)

Steps to help with Sexual Addictions

Mutual Help Groups
  • It is much easier when you have these types of conversations with people who have similar experiences
  • Sponsorship options are available
  • There is less of a judgment and you feel understood
Sex Addiction Therapist
  • Seeking qualified professional advice should be an avenue explored to assist in managing the addiction